How to Start Your Relationship Over and Rebuild Stronger

Do you ever feel like you need to just hit the reset button your relationship and start over? Do you long to stay with your partner but embark on a new beginning? Are you reconciling with an ex in hopes that this time you could find your way together? This article addresses what it looks like to start fresh and rebuild better and stronger.

Sometimes you break up and reunite weeks, months or years later. Sometimes you stay together but drift emotionally for a while and then reunite, and other times the relationship is rocked by a major shift in your dynamic or by an event of some kind. Whatever the case may be, there’s a possibility, maybe even a call, to begin again. To start anew. 

How do you do that? How do you have a fresh start with someone you love? And how do you know if you should?

Most couples who have been together for a long time will tell you that they have had many rebirths of their relationship or marriage over the years. I once heard a relationship expert say that she is on her 4th marriage with the only husband she’s ever had. Long-term romantic relationships often have many deaths and rebirths. This is not uncommon, but it isn’t commonly understood.

We often see a depiction of a romantic relationship that starts passionately and has some drama in it early on that gets ironed out and after that all is well forever and ever. But that is not real life. Many people have a hard time settling into a relationship because they aren’t sure if they are settling or not because of faulty representations of what romantic relationships, good ones, actually look like.

They have this notion that a relationship based on true love should “flow”, but that’s not really how things usually work. Most relationships have a long-term “ebb and flow” dynamic. Even the best relationships will feel challenging at times, and downright intolerable at other times.

Not every new relationship is with a new partner. As couples (and also friends and family members) go through difficult times with each other, they often come out on the other side different, better people. A better person will be capable of a better relationship. Someone who is not learning through the trials and struggles will create and perpetuate a broken relationship. 

So the first thing to consider when deciding how to start over with someone you love is whether or not each of you has learned from what damaged the relationship in the first place, what caused it to drift, and whether you both have been able to reflect on and own your own parts. And furthermore, clarify to yourselves and each other how you would need to show up in the relationship differently if you were to give it another try. 

It would not be a good idea to reunite and try to begin anew because you’re in emotional pain and are looking to soothe your broken heart. Or because you’re watching their life on social media and continuing to experience prolonged heartbreak as a result of not allowing yourself to truly move past a relationship that you realized wasn’t what was best for you. 

Sometimes letting go and moving on is the best choice and it's important to know what it actually looks like to truly start over vs. just ending up right back in the same relationship you decided to leave and investing even more of your precious time and energy on something you'll eventually decide to finally walk away from once and for all.

What It Means to Truly Start Over

There is a difference between starting over and simply picking up right where you left off. Picking up where you left off could look like reuniting with a former partner who was not willing or able to create a healthy relationship with you and has shown no evidence of a desire or ability to change. Or reuniting with someone who wants very different things than you do from life or from a relationship. Or getting back together with someone who mistreats you and has shown consistently that they do not value or respect you.

The most important thing isn’t whether you love the person, though that is an idea our culture heavily promotes. Love is NOT enough and not a good reason to try to start over together. The most important thing is whether or not the two of you can agree on what it looks like to function in a healthy way, become mutually committed to doing that, and when there’s difficulty both being willing to do the inner and relationship work that is needed in order to grow and improve in how you relate to one another. Can you truly work together as a team to nurture and develop your bond?

Simply getting back together, deciding not to leave, or realizing you still love someone despite your hardships with them does not equate to starting over. Starting over means taking the time to deconstruct the old relationship, get very clear on what caused it to weaken and fall apart, decide what needs to happen instead moving forward and put a plan in place to build a new relationship. A healthy relationship requires two healthy people, so fundamentally each being able and willing to up-level your own ways of being as partners is going to be central to your being successful at starting over and maintaining a healthier and more fulfilling relationship with one another.

So let’s say that you are both clear on the causes of the relationship breaking down and are determined to do things differently, seek professional help if necessary, and you are both wanting to start over with each other. How do you do that? Can you just decide you have a clean slate and let the past be in the past? Do you need to let go of all of your negative feelings first?

The Best Way to Start Your New Start

The first step to starting over is to repair the past. After taking enough time and personal space to reflect, what will help you most in the long run is that your new start feels fresh and there is a lot of clarity and understanding— even about little things. This may require having an awkward conversation (or series of conversations), but it will be worth it. For a long-term relationship to work, both people need to be open to learning how they can best relate to one another. Reflecting together on what you each have learned from your relationship will help build mutual respect and trust. This is a good thing to do at the end of a relationship anyway, even on your own, in order to make sure you have recognized your own lessons and are prepared to apply them in any future committed relationship.

For a couple wanting to start over, an important part of the healing process is to fully own one's contribution to the relationship issues and clarify the different ways that you each plan to behave and engage with one another moving forward. Your previous relationship did not work. Get clear on why by focusing on your own past mistakes rather than getting caught up in playing the blame game. Learn from your past experience and vow not to repeat the same mistakes. You will make mistakes, but your goal is to not repeat old ones. And this is an opportunity to begin the habit of repair after conflict in your new relationship which you may not have done in your past relationship.

Working through any lingering hurts or concerns is the only way to achieve the sense of a having a clean slate and truly leaving the old relationship behind. Doing this should also help heal any lingering negative emotions from past arguments or painful conflicts.

To really ensure things change and that you don't recreate another unhealthy relationship together, it would serve you greatly to consider hiring a couples counselor, a relationship coach, or if you are married, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Don't wait until your relationship is on the rocks again before you decide it is a good time to seek professional support. Old habits die hard, and while you may both be well-intentioned and have an intellectual understanding of the issues and what you need to be doing to keep the relationship healthy, the best course of action is to work with a trained 3rd party who can help you cultivate new skills and ways of being and address any underlying causes to the behaviors that led to the first failed relationship.

Make a conscious effort to find other strong couples to spend time with and become close friends with. Couples need community. My husband and I learned this the hard way. If you find yourselves in a difficult love situation, it's great to be able to lean on other couples who understand what you are going through and can help you navigate issues that they have successfully overcome or learned to manage. And again, a licensed counselor can also help you navigate the bumps in your love life. The main point is, don't isolate yourselves. Connect and make sure you have a support system as individuals and as a couple.

Never Stop Learning How to Build a Great Relationship

Couples who get complacent lose their connection over time and often struggle to reconnect. The good news is, this doesn't have to be your experience. At the end of the day, the couples who stay strongly connected and happy are the ones who don't take one another or their relationship for granted and decide they want to continually learn how to nurture their bond through every stage of their relationship. They seek out positive things they can do for the relationship, new experiences they can have, and they're open to trying different things in an effort to keep the relationship fresh and fun. For many of us, our first attempt at relationship fails miserably but sometimes we keep failing because we think we're just going to magically figure things out. Relating is a skill that needs to be learned. The sooner a couple can accept and embrace that, the better off they'll be.

To Have a Better Relationship, You Have to Be Better Human Beings

There's no gentler way to say it really—the truth is that most relationships fail because of human tendencies toward selfishness, self-righteousness, and pride. The 3 virtues of great partners are empathy, humility and patience. On top of that there are essential skills that need to be learned and developed like listening, validation, bargaining and co-regulation. You have to be asking yourself "how might this make my partner feel?" on a regular basis. You have to have the humility to continually forgive and let go of the past. You need to be able to do the right thing when it's the hardest. To have a successful relationship this next time, you have to strive to be the best version of yourselves.

Cultivate a Relational Mindset

As you start over, learn what it means to think relationally. As a Relational Mindset Coach, I help people do this because it's individualistic thinking that we default to and we need to override that by training ourselves to think in terms of we/us/our rather than me/I/mine once we pair up. This involves learning to see the relationship as a system of which you and your partner are two parts, and the system functions based on the harmonic operation of the two of you. Also, each part operates in relation to the other and influences its functioning through its own functioning. If either of you "breaks down", the whole system is at risk for collapsing. So it behooves each of you to make sure every part of the system—yourself and your partner— is functionally optimally through the meeting of needs and check ups and proper tending to.

If you decided to start over with someone you love, make sure, first and foremost, that it's for the right reasons. What makes you think things can be different? It's never easy to let go of a relationship but it's a much better option than spending years of your life in a relationship where you're just repeating the same negative patterns with no light at the end of the tunnel. It's much wiser to make a clean break if there isn’t any evidence that things will be different.

However, if you and your beloved have realized some important things and learned and grown from your past mistakes, then repair your hurts and grievances fully and hit the reset button. Don't hesitate to get professional help with this and/or with learning new tools and strategies for managing conflict, nurturing connection and building a healthy, joyful, life-giving relationship. There is a lot to learn for most of us. Make relationship education a normal part of your relationship care. There's no easy way to do relationship. People are difficult. All relationships have struggles. Deliberately learning how to relate well is a gift you can give to one another.

Let the relationship grow you into the best version of yourself. Rather than focusing on changing your partner or wanting them to be different, focus on your own capacity for love and appreciation of the one you are with. Allow yourself to be influenced and changed. Practice deep curiosity and compassion whenever conflict arises. Forgive quickly, apologize quickly. Not everyone gets a second chance with someone that they love, so count your blessings and be mindful every day of what you have to be grateful for in your relationship and in your partner. You chose them for a reason— never forget what that reason is.

Are you restarting in a relationship and wanting to give it the best chance possible of being successful? I’m here to help you know exactly how to create a healthy, joyful, life-giving relationship. My 3 month, 1-1 program Relational Mindset Journey will help you dramatically improve how you show up in relationship and how you go about getting your needs and desires met by your partner. Life is too short to repeat the same old struggles and feel perpetually unfulfilled in your love life. We all need support and guidance with relationships, so stop going down the same old dead end roads and be guided to a fresh, new path—one that leads to the love and connection you long to have.

Thanks for reading.

XO,
Dara

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Dara is a writer and President of Mud Coaching. She helps individuals and couples from all over world create the extraordinary relationships that they long for but don’t know how to build. Read more here about Dara’s personal journey from dysfunctional and struggling in love to happily married and thriving.