How to Attract an Emotionally Available Partner

Is it your desire to find a partner who is not just present physically but emotionally available? This blog post serves as your guide to understanding and implementing strategies to attract an emotionally available partner. 

In the realm of romantic relationships, understanding emotional availability is necessary for attracting someone who aligns with your deepest desires. Together let's dive in and explore the complexities of emotional needs, unhealthy patterns, and the pursuit of meaningful relationships.

Recognizing Emotional Unavailability

What Does Emotionally Unavailable Mean?

Understanding the common traits of emotional unavailability in potential partners is essential for spotting someone who may not be a great potential partner. If you are looking for a serious relationship, being able to weed out the emotionally unavailable people will go a long way in helping you avoid dead-end relationships and wasting precious time and emotional energy. 

Identifying red flags that may signal an emotionally unavailable person will help you greatly on your journey to finding the kinds of people who are ready and able to form a healthy relationship. So what are the red flags to look for? 

1. Inconsistent communication patterns
2. Difficulty expressing or acknowledging emotions
3. Fear of commitment or avoidance of deeper emotional conversations

You know the type of guy or woman who doesn't want to "put a label on it" or who say they'll text or call tomorrow but don't reach out until a week later? Yeah, those are emotionally unavailable people! If you are seeking a real relationship rather than a "situationship", these red flags will be important to recognize as you date and engage with new people. Avoidance and inconsistency are the common traits of emotionally unavailable people.

The Impact of Past Experiences

What is the influence of past trauma and early childhood experiences on emotional availability?

For those of us who grew up in dysfunctional, neglectful or abusive homes, emotional unavailability is common. For a long time we've been afraid to trust others and allow them to get close to us. It's important to note that emotional unavailability is not personal. If you encounter this, you should know it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with the other person and their past.

It's become so habituated for emotionally unavailable people to keep others at a distance, even as they long to experience intimacy, that they don't even notice that they do this! It's like a deeply ingrained bad habit that was born out of a traumatized nervous system. It's a defense mechanism that once was protective and now prevents a new relationship from blossoming.

The most important thing one can do when seeking a romantic partner that is fully available is to make sure they are emotionally available themselves. An intimate relationship requires two emotionally available partners. 

Are they still shackled by old wounds in their love life?

Relational traumas that happen in adult life can also lead to emotional unavailability. Abuse and betrayal happen in far too many "love" relationships, and sometimes the result is a guarded heart. Be prepared to meet people on your journey to finding love who are wounded and closed off due to painful past experiences. As well as those who desperately want to move forward, but are still attached to someone they are no longer with and are rendered incapable of connecting with you on a deeper level until they fully let go and heal. 

Perhaps you are noticing some of these red flags in yourself. Not to worry! Awareness is the first step to growth and change, and very often the cause of attracting emotionally unavailable partners is being emotionally unavailable yourself.

Cultivating Self-Awareness in Love Life

Knowing Your Emotional Needs

Reflecting on your own emotional needs to establish a strong sense of self is foundational to forming an intimate connection with someone else. Do you know what you need? Do you know how to communicate your needs and are you comfortable doing so? Have you been the emotionally unavailable partner before?

Often those who have an anxious preoccupied attachment style are magnetically drawn to the avoidant, emotionally unavailable types. It's a good idea to learn about your own attachment tendencies and about secure attachment which can help you become aware of your own needs, foster enough emotional self-reliance and have strong enough boundaries to not fall into the push/pull dynamic that forms when these two polar opposite insecure attachment types meet. 

It is also important to recognize and prioritize your own feelings. Are you in touch with your own emotions? Do you welcome them or push uncomfortable feelings away? Are you able to articulate what you are feeling and are you comfortable sharing what you feel with those close to you? Having an attunement and connection to your own emotional world is the only way to be able to attune to and welcome the feelings of others. 

Unpacking Unhealthy Patterns

Creating emotional intimacy in a relationship requires each partner be aware of and break free from unhealthy patterns in dating life. This requires a willingness to look at oneself honestly. As you reflect on past relationships, what are the patterns you can identify that repeated themselves? Have you previously been drawn to distant people? Have you preferred long distance relationships, have you repeatedly dated anxious love seekers? What common theme or themes arise when you reflect on your previous experiences? 

Creating positive changes and breaking negative patterns may require you to engage in tough love with yourself to foster personal growth. It might mean addressing personal issues with low self-esteem or doing inner child work to help heal the younger wounded part of you that did not get their emotional needs met in early life by unavailable parents. As I mentioned before, the number one prerequisite for attracting and emotionally available partner is to be an emotionally available person yourself. Going on a journey of self-discovery and doing inner work while single are powerful ways to set yourself up for success in creating the kind of relationship you deeply desire—and deserve! 

By doing the work on yourself to become emotionally available, to heal from past relational wounds, and prepare to share yourself openly and vulnerably, you are creating a vibrational match for a successful and meaningful relationship. You are setting yourself up to attract the right partner by becoming the right partner. 

Attracting an Emotionally Available Partner

Identifying the Right Person

The first crucial step of recognizing and attracting emotionally available people is to be available yourself. After that, you want to be able to discern between someone who is "right" for you, and someone who is good for you. This is so important, and not often acknowledged or understood. But good news for you— you're amount to learn something very powerful.

Someone can check all of your boxes— they are fun, attractive, adventurous, creative, responsible, stylish, socially intelligent, and successful. That makes them "right" for you. Good for you means that when you are with them, you feel at ease. Your nervous system is calm. There is a sense of security. You feel accepted for who you are and invited to express your authentic thoughts, feels and needs. These are the clues that you are in the presence of an emotionally available and safe person. 

Remember, someone who checks all your boxes in terms of personality traits, interests, and lifestyle habits isn’t necessarily someone that will be a great partner and make you feel safe and secure.

Identifying a Secure Relationship

Being able to distinguish a secure relationship from potentially unhealthy ones is important. You can begin recognizing the signs of a serious and emotionally available partner as early as on the first date. It's the little things: Did they text when they said they would? Did they show up on time? Did they keep their phone out of sight? Did they show interest in you and ask good questions? Were they kind and respectful to you and the people around you (wait staff, etc.)? Were they willing to share openly about themselves? Did they listen well and make eye contact? These early experiences supply plenty of good hints about whether they are a “healthy enough” person. 

What happens just after a first date, or the first few dates, that went seemingly well can tell you a lot, too, and help you spot someone who has an insecure/anxious attachment style. Did you begin to feel confused by them? Were their words and actions not aligning consistently? Were they overly communicative or extremely eager, making you feel a bit overwhelmed? Were they saying all the right things but then behaving in ways that contradicted what they said? Were they expressing intense feelings of connection very quickly?

Someone who is secure enough to begin a heathy, committed relationship will be honest and forthright. They will keep their word, behave in a consistent fashion, express themselves authentically, and show interest and care in what you are feeling, wanting and needing. They will also want to take the time to get to know you before entering into a committed relationship with you. 

Sustaining a Strong Relationship

Maintaining a Stable Relationship

It's one thing to get into a relationship, but what does it take to maintain a stable and emotionally available relationship?  Being able to maintain a consistent emotional connection is important in creating a lasting bond. People can shut down and close off emotionally at any time. Times of high stress, for example, can cause one to become emotionally unavailable to their partner. This is where self-care, good communication, and clear boundaries become critical tools. 

If you don't have a self-care practice or good communication and boundary setting skills now, you won't suddenly have them once you get into a relationship. So now is the time to prioritize these things! Why are they important? Well first of all, you cannot connect with another person is if you are not connected to yourself. Having a good self-care routine is a way to form a habit of self-attunement and being aware of what your are feeling and needing. 

This helps tremendously in a relationship because you can let your partner know if you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or stressed and help teach them how they can support you in such times. Having communication skills will help you express yourself in non-threatening ways or avoid shutting down and withdrawing. And boundaries will allow you to draw healthy lines when you have reached a limit. 

Weathering the Storms

Navigating tough times in relationships and knowing how to overcome common challenges is also crucial for maintaining a strong emotional bond. Every successful long-term relationship requires strong conflict resolution skills and the ability to repair after conflict. Human beings are not perfect. Even those who pursue healing and personal growth will have tendencies that cause disharmony in a relationship. As Dr. Stan Tatkin says, everyone is difficult. Partners need to expect choppy seas and have a plan for how they will navigate them. Smart couples prepare for how they'll handle their problems before they arise. 

I tell all of my clients that healthy, joyful, life-giving relationships really come down to three things: kindness and respect in good AND turbulent times, a mutual desire and ability to meet one another's needs, and a shared sense of urgency about repairing after conflict. 

Embracing Your Journey to Love

In conclusion, dear friend, your journey to attracting an emotionally available partner is a quest worth undertaking. By cultivating self-awareness, nurturing emotional connections, and engaging in inner work, you pave the way for a love life that transcends the ordinary. Remember, you are worthy of love, and with the right mindset and understanding, you can create the meaningful relationships you desire.

So, take a deep breath, embrace your own emotions, and step into the world of intentional connection. Your journey to love begins within, and as you navigate the complexities of emotional availability, may you find the partner who aligns with your deepest desires and dreams.

My Inner Work Journey Program is designed to help you achieve all of the above and much more in 12 weeks. In 3 months from now, all of the confusion, frustration and disappointment you feel could be replaced with clarity, confidence, and a cleat path to the connection your crave. Break out of negative patterns, communicate masterfully, and experience the powerfully loving dynamic that you are struggling to find. To learn more, visit my programs page. 

Thank you for reading!

XO,
Dara

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Dara is a writer and President of Mud Coaching. She helps individuals and couples from all over world create the extraordinary relationships that they long for but don’t know how to build. Read more here about Dara’s personal journey from dysfunctional and struggling in love to happily married and thriving.