How We Romanticize Dysfunction (and Call It Love)
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We live in a culture that silently but powerfully romanticizes relationship dysfunction. We praise intensity over stability, speed over discernment, and endurance over alignment. As a result, many people find themselves trapped in long‑term relationships that feel confusing, draining, and painful—yet struggle to leave because they’ve been conditioned to believe that staying and “working it out” is the mature, loving choice.
I’ve even seen one of my own long-trusted relationship experts casually describe “raging” at your partner in an interview as though it were normal…just another expected feature of being in a long-term union.
When did emotional dysregulation, loss of self-control, or verbal aggression become something we normalize, excuse, or romanticize in the name of love?
This article explores three deeply normalized relationship choices that set people up for chronic disappointment: moving quickly from one relationship to another, moving too fast with someone new, and trying to change a partner once reality sets in. We’ll also clarify the crucial difference between healthy relational work and dysfunction disguised as growth, and end with reflection exercises for anyone whose inner compass has been warning them that something isn’t right.
If you’ve ever felt anxious instead of at ease in a relationship, questioned whether your basic needs were “too much,” or stayed because you were told love requires sacrifice—this is for you.
“Love is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect and trust.” —Bell Hooks
Why Romanticizing Dysfunction Keeps People Stuck
Most people don’t end up in painful relationships because they lack intelligence, insight, or good intentions. They end up there because dysfunction has been normalized so thoroughly that it no longer registers as dysfunction.
We’ve absorbed messages like:
Love is hard.
Relationships take constant work.
If you leave, you didn’t try hard enough.
Wanting ease means you’re unrealistic.
Over time, these ideas override our inner signals. Discomfort gets reframed as depth. Anxiety gets mistaken for chemistry. Endurance gets confused with commitment.
This conditioning doesn’t just keep people in unhealthy relationships—it actively trains them to distrust their own perceptions, which is why so many feel confused, ashamed, or conflicted about whether to stay or leave.
To understand how this happens, we need to look at the choices we’ve been taught to see as normal, even admirable.
Romanticized Choice #1: Moving Quickly From One Relationship to the Next
We are deeply uncomfortable with endings.
Rather than treating the end of a relationship as a significant psychological and emotional transition, we often rush to “get back out there.” Dating again quickly is framed as empowerment, proof of resilience, or evidence that we’ve healed.
But grief that isn’t processed doesn’t disappear—it relocates.
When we move straight from one relationship into another, we bypass essential steps that protect future relationships:
honest self‑reflection
grieving what was lost and what never existed
recognizing our own patterns and blind spots
rebuilding self‑trust
calming a dysregulated nervous system
Without this pause, unresolved dynamics hitch a ride into the next connection. The people change. The patterns don’t.
Many people mistake distraction for healing. New attention can temporarily soothe the pain, but it also prevents the deeper reckoning that would allow someone to choose differently next time.
Taking time after a relationship shouldn’t be about punishment or overanalyzing the past but rather re‑establishing a grounded relationship with yourself before inviting someone else into your life.
Romanticized Choice #2: Moving Fast With Someone New
Our culture celebrates instant connection. Love at first sight. “When you know you know.”
We equate intensity with compatibility and early closeness with emotional maturity. Attachment forms quickly, often before we have any meaningful data about who the other person actually is.
It’s common for people to:
share their bodies early
merge routines and emotional lives quickly
make future plans within weeks
profess love before trust has been established
All of this is treated as romantic.
But attachment is not discernment.
Discernment requires time. It requires observing how someone behaves consistently, not how they present when everything is new and exciting. It means watching how they handle stress, disappointment, boundaries, accountability, and difference.
Some people will argue, “I moved fast and it worked out.” And that’s true—for some. But outcomes don’t retroactively make a process wise.
People win the lottery. That doesn’t mean it’s a financial plan.
When relationships succeed despite poor discernment, they succeed because of luck, timing, or compatibility, not because moving fast was inherently healthy or self‑respecting. Slowing down reflects maturity.
Romanticized Choice #3: Trying to Change Someone Once Reality Sets In
This is where many people get trapped for years—or even decades.
After the honeymoon phase fades, reality emerges. Red flags become harder to ignore, needs go unmet, and patterns repeat.
Instead of asking, “Did I choose wisely?” many people ask, “How do I get them to change?”
But the truth is, trying to change someone so you can stay with them is not love.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
—Maya Angelou
We’ve normalized advice that sounds enlightened but often keeps people stuck:
“All couples fight.”
“Focus on the good.”
“Work on yourself.”
“Compatibility is a myth.”
These ideas are not inherently wrong, but they are wildly misapplied.
They belong in relationships where two people are:
emotionally mature
fundamentally aligned in values
capable of accountability
willing to grow together
They do not belong in situations involving:
chronic emotional unavailability
character issues
repeated boundary violations
lack of integrity
emotional immaturity
mismatched values, goals, or lifestyles
Trying to transform a fundamentally misaligned relationship through self‑improvement is not growth. It’s self‑abandonment posing as virtue.
(You don’t have a “needs problem.” You have a disconnection problem. When you’re not aligned with your own emotional needs, you abandon them—then wonder why others do too. But when you’re truly aligned with what you need, one-sided dynamics simply can’t survive.
✨ Get clear. Get grounded. Get your needs met. The No More Unmet Needs Workbook is your first step. 👉 Download now)
The Difference Between Healthy Relationship Work and Dysfunction
Clarity here is essential.
Healthy Relationship Work Includes:
learning to communicate effectively
repairing after conflict
navigating differences with mutual respect
practicing attunement and care
growing together from a solid foundation
Dysfunction Disguised as Work Includes:
explaining basic decency
tolerating chronic neglect or disrespect
managing someone else’s emotions
hoping potential replaces evidence
staying despite feeling chronically drained
One builds intimacy. The other erodes self‑trust.
Longevity Is a Poor Measure of Relationship Health
We praise long‑lasting relationships without asking whether they’re actually fulfilling.
Staying is often celebrated as success. Leaving is framed as failure.
But longevity alone tells us nothing about:
emotional safety
mutual respect
joy
reciprocity
freedom to be oneself
Many people stay not because they’re happy, but because leaving would require confronting uncomfortable truths: that they chose from conditioning, that they ignored early signals, that endurance was mistaken for love.
Settling is not rare. It’s super common. And it’s often reinforced by well‑meaning advice that prioritizes preservation over truth.
Waking Up From Conditioning
Waking up doesn’t mean becoming cynical or closed off. It means becoming honest.
It means questioning inherited beliefs about love and replacing them with principles rooted in self‑respect and alignment:
slowing down
vetting over time
choosing based on evidence, not fantasy
leaving when issues are personal, not relational
Love that’s grounded in truth doesn’t require you to contort yourself, perform for love, or endure suffering.
It does ask you to see clearly and choose accordingly.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” —Carl Jung
Reflection Exercises: When Your Inner Compass Is Flashing Warning Lights
If you’ve been in a long‑term relationship that has felt confusing or painful, these reflections are for you.
You may have been told that staying and working it out is the mature choice. And yet, something inside you has been consistently signaling that something is off.
For me, the emotional tone and recurring themes of my dreams were persistently revealing. I didn’t fully trust them at the time. But the same scenes and the same undercurrent of anxiety and longing returned again and again for years. My deeper self was trying to get my attention in other ways as well—through my body, my nervous system, and a constant sense of unease I couldn’t reason my way out of. When the relationship ended, the dreams and anxiety did too.
Take your time with these questions. Journal honestly.
1. Body and Nervous System Check
Do you feel calm and at ease in this relationship, or chronically anxious and hyper‑vigilant?
Can you fully relax, or are you always bracing for something to go wrong?
2. Dreams and Intuition
Have you had recurring negative or distressing dreams about your partner or relationship?
Did those dreams persist despite efforts to “work on things”?
Many people report that unsettling dreams stop once they leave relationships that weren’t aligned.
3. Transparency With Others
Are you fully honest with friends and family about what’s happening and how you feel?
Or do you minimize, justify, or hide parts of the truth to protect the relationship?
4. Self‑Doubt Around Needs
Have you questioned whether your needs are “too much”?
Are those needs actually basic—trust, respect, reciprocity, care, equality?
5. Direction of Effort
Is most of the work focused on managing problems that shouldn’t exist in a healthy foundation?
Or is it focused on mutual growth, repair, and deepening connection?
6. Inner Compass
If you stripped away fear, guilt, and conditioning, what do you know?
Your inner compass is always showing you the way that’s best for you..
Listening to it isn’t selfish. It’s sane.
Breaking free from romanticized dysfunction doesn’t mean giving up on love or romance. It’s simply about refusing to confuse suffering with depth.
Clarity is not cruelty. Alignment is not avoidance. Leaving what harms you is not failure.
It’s the beginning of something far more honest.
Choosing a partner is one of the most consequential decisions we will ever make. It shapes our emotional well-being, our nervous system, our sense of self, and the quality of our daily lives.
Of course it makes sense to take our time. Of course it’s reasonable to move slowly, to observe, to ensure that our standards are being met—not in moments of intensity, but over time, in reality. And when new information comes to light—whether hidden truths, incompatible values, or patterns that reveal someone is unfit for partnership, or simply unfit for us—walking away is self-respect in action.
But that requires knowing ourselves, listening to what we learn along the way, and staying loyal to our needs, values, and desires. When our relationship with ourselves is rooted in care, trust, and respect—and when we’re willing to question what we were taught about love and endurance—we make better choices. We suffer less. And we create space for relationships that feel supportive, honest, and genuinely life-giving.
If this post stirred something in you, I’d love to help you go deeper and explore what’s been keeping you from having the fulfilling connection you desire.
That’s where The Insight Email comes in. If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure what to do next in your relationship or inner world in order to feel more self-assured, connected or fulfilled, I’d love to help.
I’ll review your situation and send you a personalized email with thoughtful guidance, aligned next steps, and reflection questions to help you move forward confidently and clearly. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
💌 Get clarity, support, and direction—delivered to your inbox within 48 hours.
💬 Click here to request an Insight Email now.
XO,
Dara
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Dara Poznar is a writer and President of Mud Coaching, specializing in Alignment Strategy. She empowers individuals worldwide to align their lives and relationships with their authentic selves. Through her guidance, clients discover how to harmonize their actions, values, and desires to create fulfilling and authentic lives. Learn more about Dara’s personal journey here.
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